You asked for it....................
I gotta make the people happy, so if it's Teddy you want, it's Teddy you'll get (at least for the next post or two). I was mulling over what story I wanted to tell next, shit there are too damn many to narrow down to just one. Then read the last comment and decided to go with that one. So I'll give you the story of the first time we went out on a date and I'll give you the story of what he did for me one Valentine's Day.
The First Date:
Here I was just really beginnning my 10th grade year in high school, and before we were even 2 weeks into school my mind was already being cluttered and bothered by what had happened to me just earlier that day (Labor Day). As I came in the house, my siblings asked me where I was and why it took me so long to get home from the beach. So I lied and said that I was hanging out with my friends, but I couldn't help but think that they could see right through my lie. I felt like there had to be a sign on my forehead say "I AM GAY!!!" just flashing in lights like the "Eat At Joe's" sign from cartoons like Tom & Jerry. I immediately went and laid in the bed with my mind just racing. As I did everyday back then, I put my Mariah Carey Music Box tape in my tape player and just let my crazy mind wonder. "I can't be gay!..........Why did I like the feeling of that hug?...........Isn't it a sin to be gay?........What if your family found out what happened?...........Why did you like the feeling of that hug?.............Why didn't you just leave the beach with your cousin?..............Why were you walking around the beach talking to a complete stranger?..........Why did you like the feeling of that hug?............What are you going to do now?..............Why did you like the feeling of that hug? So many questions! I went to sleep and the next day when I went to school I felt like I still had this "sign" on my forward and so I over analyzed any question that someone asked me. It was very weird to say the least. I racked my brain thinking about this day after day. I had to keep all my feelings inside cause I dared to talked to anyone about this subject. Before I knew it 2 weeks had passed by and I was still not sure what to do and what I was feeling. Something in me told me one day to just give it a try. I thought to myself that I wouldn't exactly be cheating on my girlfriend cause I was just hanging out with this guy, not a girl.
So finally about 15 days after the Labor Day Event I finally called this guy. I made sure to call when no one else was home so that I could have some privacy. He picked up the phone on the very first ring and I couldn't say anything. Everything I had practiced and rehearsed was all but forgotten in all my nervousness. I dropped the phone on the bed cause my hands were so sweaty. Then when I told him who I was he said that he thought that I had thrown the number away and had just accepted that I wouldn't call him back. The very first thing he did though was tell me to relax. He said that he knew that I didn't know much about all of this and that I had probably been out of my mind thinking about everything that happened and my feelings. I was just like, what is this guy, some kind of mind reader? I told him that I didn't have long to talk cause people would be home soon. So he told me that we should "chill and hangout" together on that Saturday. I agreed and we set up a time and a place for him to meet me cause I wasn't gonna let him pick me up in front of my house.
Saturday morning came and I was up bright and early at 7:00. We weren't gonna meet until 2:00 but I was nervous and anxious about the ordeal the whole night, just tossing and turning in the bed. As the hours rolled by I must have emptied my meager closet and dresser drawers about 89 times and still couldn't figure out what I was going to wear. Then I thought, "Why am I going through all this for some nigga?" So I picked out some jeans and a t-shirt (Cross Colors brand of course). So when it got to be about 1:30 I was dressed and walked to the store about 6 blocks away from my house and waited for him. He showed up about 5 minutes early. He had on some blue jeans and a white Tommy Shirt (white I later learned was his favorite color). He looked DAMN good!!! All of a sudden I was flushed with all these feelings from back on Memorial Day. My stuff immediately got rock hard. So we got in the car and drove off. We went to this small restaurant in a real nice white neighborhood, where there was SURE to be none of us black folks hanging around. I silently wondered to myself whether he either had a really good paying job or had saved up for a while. Since he was only 3 years older than me I figured the latter. He ordered first and then I ordered (I wanted to make sure my food didn't cost more than his). When I said I wanted grilled chicken breast, he interrupted by saying, "He'll have the grilled shrimp!" That meal was twice as much as his. I asked him how he remembered me saying I liked seafood and he replied, "I remember everthing about you that you've told me". I felt like I was important. I just knew I was blushing. We ate pretty quickly and then the waitress asked about dessert and I said no thanks, trying to save us a buck or two and he said, "He'll have some cheesecake!" That was my favorite and he even remembered that. By this timehe had me hanging on his every word. I mean come on, I was 15 and had never gotten this much attention from anyone.
After dinner we went to this place called Grand Prix Race-A-Rama, where they have this huge arcade and go carts and stuff like that. We race like 3 times on the go carts and he just left me in the dust each time. Then the last time he claimed that something was wrong with his steering wheel and he came in after me. He was really pouring it on now, letting me win the race and all. Then we went inside and headed to my territory, that's right, Ms. PacMan. That was my game and I took pleasure in kicking his ass over and over and over again. I wasn't gonna be nice and let him win like he let me win at the go carts. It was great time! Then he told me that it was getting late and that I should be getting home, cause he didn't want me to get in trouble and not be able to go out with him again. The whole time I had forgotten about my family and home life and now that he brought it back to my mind, I immediately started to think that I was wrong for being there with him. Part of me was having a great time and now all of a sudden part of me was scared again. So we left and he said he wanted me to come back to his place. I got scared and said no. He said he understood and went to a park where he parked the car and we could talk. He talked to me about my feelings and how I was feeling about this whole thing about being with a guy and stuff. I told him that I really didn't think that I was like that. He asked if he could hug me again and I quickly said yes. I wanted that feeling again. So hugged me again and this time he placed my hand on his stuff. I touched it and then moved my hand away real fast. He laughed and after the hug he said, "You don't have to be afraid, it's just my dick." Then he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled it out. At that point in my life I didn't think I was possible for dicks to be that big. It was bigger than my forearm I think. My stuff hard as a rock and by that time my underwear were soaked. He said that he wouldn't rush me into anything, but that I could call him whenever I wanted to go out again. Then he drove me home. I went to my bed and screamed in my pillow. I couldn't help but think about this guy who gave me all these weird feelings that I had never felt before. I know that the old people said that love was a funny feeling, but this was just plain weird. It was just what I needed at that point in my life.
Well that's how our first date went. It was great for me. I will tell on my next post about the Valentine's Day thing, and then after about the breakup and hopefully we will be sick of Teddy and not want to hear about him anymore. Thank God that I've kept a diary since 8th grade to remember all this stuff. Let me know what you think my experience.
GOOD MORNING.
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy............
I was all prepared to write about something that I thought everyone would fine extremely funny and amusing, but just as I was finishing the first paragraph my cellphone rang, and there he was on the other end........Teddy. I know that that name means nothing to you all, but it means everything to me. Teddy single-handedly changed my whole life. We talked for roughly an hour and got caught up on what's been going on since the last time we spoke. As I hung up the phone, I couldn't help but remember how this one guy changed my whole life. My mind became flooded with all the memories from so many years ago. If you haven't figured it out Teddy was my first...first love that is, and everytime we talk I always remember that faithful day in 1994. Let's take a trip down memory lane:
Now let's remember that this is Labot Day 1994 and I was 15 years old and just starting my 10th grade year in high school. As far as I knew I was happily in love with my girlfriend Deborah. The only thing that one could remotely consider being gay was the fact that I'd sometimes see a guy and think that he was good-looking guy, but no sexual connotations at all, at least I thought. But anyway, there was DEFINITELY something in the air that day, cause I did somethings that had you caught me the day before or the day after, I would NEVER do.
Here in Miami, on Holidays like Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July, and other holidays during the summer most black families would spend the day at Haulover Beach (those of you who went to Sizzle are quite familiar with this beach).
The beach is swarming with black folks and to get a spot you have to basically get there at the ass crack of dawn. Well on this faithful Labor Day, my family as usual went to Haulover Beach for the holiday, and we got there at about 8AM. It got to be about 5PM and most of the family proceeded to leave and go home. I was riding with my older cousin and we were the last to leave the beach area. We walked through the underpass, that goes underneath the street, and into the men's wash room, where the parking lot was. We showered (in our swim trunks of course)
and started to get dressed so that we could go home. My cousin fininshed first and told me to meet him out at the car. The next moment I can remember as vividly as I can remember my name. I was sitting on the bench in the wash room with my right foot up on the bench tying my shoe when this guy came in, looked around, locked eyes with me for about 5 seconds, then quickly exited the washroom. I don't know or understand what happened at that moment, but something did. Something flipped the mental switch in my consciousness that opened my eyes to feelings that had been locked inside my head all my life. That seemingly, meaningless 5 second stare is responsible for who I am today, or at least part of who I am.
The guy looked familiar, like someone I knew, or at least someone I wanted to know. I quickly finished tying my shoe and sprinted out of that washroom. I tried not to seem like I was anxious, or like we say down here,"pressed", so I stopped my sprint just before I cleared the door. I slowly walked out and looked around for the guy, but didn't see him. Then I turned and looked toward the women's washroom and there he was, standing next to the door of the women's washroom. I just assumed that he was waiting for his girlfriend to come out. I was standing on the sidewalk adjacent to the parking lot, and was about 10 feet in front of the door to the men's washroom. The women's washroom was about 500 feet across from the men's. Now I had some friends that were still on the beach and they had driven there own cars to the beach, so when my cousin pulled up to me in the car I did something really weird. I told him that I wasn't ready to leave, simply because I wanted to stay and look at this guy for some reason. He knew that I still had friends on the beach too, so he told me that he was going over his girlfriend's house (which happened to be really close to the beach)
, and for me to page him on his beeper when I was ready. He then told me that if I didn't page him by 7PM he would assume that I went home with my friends, then he drove off.
So there I was standing there on the sidewalk, like a child without a home. I was nervous and scared, but I dare not leave from where I was. I slowly turn my head to look at this guy and noticed that he was staring long and hard at me. Now in Miami, when someone stares at you like that in my neighborhood, that usually means that he wants trouble, he wants to make you the next victim of some random act of violence. This guy fit the bill too. He had that thug look, a white Tommy Hilfiger shirt, some black shorts, some black and white high-top Reebok Preseasons (anyone remember THOSE shoes??),
a high-top fade, and 4 to the top (that's a Miami term that means 4 gold teeth at the top of his mouth).
So now I was upset with myself for staying, thinking that this guy wanted to do me harm. I kept periodically looking back at him, and each time it was the same thing, he was intensely staring at me. After about 6 times I was so nervous I think I crapped in my shorts. I dared to make a move cause I knew that that was the thing that most guys who mugged people said that they waited for. I didn't know what to do. So then I look over there again and the guy was gone, and I think to myself, "SHIT, where did he go??????" If I was so scared, why was I all of a sudden so upset now that he was gone. I didn't know what was going through my mind, I was 15, dumb, and ignorant to all the feelings going on inside of me. I then just assumed that he had left. Thinking that I would just go meet my friends on the beach I turned toward the men's washroom to go the other way to the beach and BAM!!!! There he was within breathing distance of me, standing next to the door of the men's washroom now. At this poin, there was probably a pubble of urine on the ground beneath me, cause I could have sworn that I pissed my clothes. I thought for sure that he would cause me some bodily harm, so I braced myself for the impending assault. As I waited, he asked me the question that still makes me laugh to this date, it was the first pickup line I ever got and didn't even know it. He just out of the blue as me, "What time it is?" I had on a short-sleeved shirt, some shorts and some sandals. There was not a watch anywhere on my body. So I just said, "I don't know." He then asked me who I was waiting for and why I was at the beach by myself. I told him that my cousin was coming back whenever I paged him and all about how my family had been at the beach all day. Then I thought to myself, "Why am I talking to this complete stranger?" He then asked me, "So whatchu get into?" I said, "I get into whatever." I didn't know what he was referring to and had no way of knowing that he was asking about sex. I guess he could sense that, so he told me that he knew I ain' know what he meant but that I should just trust him, so I did. Why? I have no idea to this day. We then began to walk all over the beach and talked about everything imaginable. In our walking and talking he offered to give me a ride home and I accepted. Why? I have no idea to this day. Before I knew it, the sky was darkening and it was getting late. He then gave me his Name address and phone number on a piece of paper and told me that before he took me home that he would take me by his place and show me where he lived. Then, he took me into these large trees that looked like bushes, where we could be hidden from passers-by. I then thought that this would be the point where he robbed me or something, but for some reason I wasn't afraid.
So we went into the bushes and I leaned against a tree and he was standing about 5 feet away from me. He said, "I like you man.", to which I replied, "I like you too, you seem cool too". I didn't know that he meant that he "LIKED" me. So we exchanged I like you's another 3 times, but on the 4th time something clicked in my head and I knew what he meant then. My eyes I'm sre got real big and I probably looked mortified. He then calmed me down by reassuring me that he didn't want to do anything to hurt me or rush me into anything. He told me that he knew that I probably was fully sure of everything that was going on, but that it was not his intent at all to scare me or hurt me in any way. He then told me that even if I didn't want to admit it I had to have some feelings for him, or else I wouldn't have followed him around for all those hours. All I could think about was how wrong all of it seemed and how I just wanted to go home and get out of there. Then he did something that still surprises to to this day. He told me that he was going to try something. He can up to me and gave me a hug for about 2 minutes, although it seemed like an eternity. I felt what I later learned to be more that 12" of male phallus making a B-line toward my knees, but the hug evoked some many feelings in me that I didn't know what was up or down, right or wrong. Then he let me go and told me that if liked what I felt, and that he said he wasn't talking about his dick, that I should use the number he gave me and call him. Then we silently walked to the car and I was speechless until we got to my house. He did take me by his house and took some mail out of the mail box to show me that that was his real name and his real house. Then he drove me home. When we got to my house he asked if he could give me another hug and I said, "HELL NAW!!" and got out of the car. I stayed up all night thinking about what happened.
To make a long story short (too late for that)
I thought about it for 2 weeks before I ever called him back. And the rest is history. We ended up dating until I graduated from high school. But that another stary altogether and I'm pretty sure you're already tired of this story.Well. that's who Teddy is and how he changed my life. I could write 20 different posts on that relationship, but why should I bore all of you with that. Sorry for that my first gay experience isn't as exciting as some, but it's mine and that's all.
GOOD MORNING.
This goes against everything I stand for.............
............but I feel the need to be optimistic for once in my life. All my friends know me to be a rather stupidly pessimistic person, ornery, mean, vindictive, an asshole, and anything else that would describe someone who basically not only sees the glass as half empty, but has to contantly remind you that it could just tip over spilling all of it's contents, leaving you with nothing. *****panting and breathing due to that extremely long sentence***** But anyway, I feel the need to be optimistic, even encouraging and uplifting, if I'm at all capable of that. Here goes nothing!!
Many of my friends and even some bloggers have been having men problems and don't mind sharing their bitterness with me. They go on and on and on and on about how HORRIBLE relationships are and about how they can't stand men, cause they all ain't bout shit! I even find myself doing this when I'm having BF problems. It's very easy to talk or speak out when you're upset or angry, but what about when things are ok......you know just regular......just you and yo BF going about yo daily lives together, one minute you're having sex, the next minute you're fighting. You know what I mean. I'd like to celebrate that for a change.
I want to talk about me and my baby. We woke up yesterday looking kinda rough and just decided to shoot some pics. You can find them
here and
here and
here. It was so spontaneous and we knew we looked a mess and just wanted to take some pics of us just looking all rough and stuff. No cute outfits, no fresh haircuts, or freshly braided hair, JUST US, and we like it that way. I want to celebrate the fact that with all the arguments, frustration, aggravation, and so on, we still love each and never let the other go to sleep mad with the other. There no such thing as "you're sleeping on the couch tonight" with us. It's either together or not at all. He loves me and I love him. Gone are the days when I feel that I love someone more than they love me. Gone are the days when I have to to chase behind a nigga who ain't tryin to be found. Gone are the days when we out on a date and when the nigga phone rings, I wonder if it's his next booty call or not. I love the fact that he wants to take care of me and I don't have to be the one always paying the check, helping him out with his cell phone bill or else I don't here from him. I'm not the only one in the relationship that wants to always be with the other person.
He also is smart, funny, and old-fashioned, which is something I need in my life. Those who know me, know that I have to have someone who can calm me down, cause if you give me an inch I'll take 5 miles. He doesn't want to move to quickly, cause he feels that too many gay people fall in love, move in with each, get married, go on a honeymoon, have and raise 2 children, then get divorced all in a span of about 3 months!! Waiting is something that he has taught me and something that I have learned to really appreciate. He has everything I like, you know sexy eyes, six pack, legs like tree trunks, beautiful smile, and built like a tripod (for those of you slow girls, a tripod has 3 legs). Sometimes I just have to sit back and watch him, cause I feel so lucky to have him love me the way he does, then he'll give me a mean look and ask why the hell I'm staring at him. I know what he likes and he knows what I like. I still get horny as fuck everytime I see him naked. Even when I'm upset with him, once I hear his voice, I can't stay mad. Yep ladies and gentlemen, I'M IN LOVE and I don't mind talking about it or bragging about it.
Love is a crazy thing though, it's one of the emotions that we can rarely find the words to describe, but if we feel anger or hurt we seem to find all the words in the world. Love is more than just your eyes rolling in the back of your head during 4 hour of toes curling ecstacy. It's riding in the car with your BF and hearing a song on the radio and the two of you singing together. It's him know how you like your coffee from Dunkin Donuts. It's him remembering your mother's birthday before you do. It's him knowing when you're having a bad day and just his smile (and good sex) making all your problems melt away. Even with my ex, who I was deeply in love with; when he cheated on me, friends told me to slash his tires, go to his house and make a scene, through bricks through his windows, have my friends from "round the way" find him and do him bodily, but I couldn't. I was in love with him, and that love would not let me see him suffer, even when I was suffering because he hurt me. Maybe I'm weird like that, but isn't love weird? Makes you do things you wouldn't normally do, like write a blog about how happily in love you are..............
GOOD MORNING.
